Kuroshitsuji: A Dirty Mockery
by Mademoiselle Wordsmith
Summary: What do you get when you have the terrifying threat of fangirls at your door, a dark fiancé, a Butler with a kitten fetish, a maid who constantly forgets to wear her moe glasses, and a nymphomaniacal young Master? You get a Kuroshitsuji Parody of course. Don't take to seriously, meant for a laugh and blush in spare time. Rated M
1. That Butler, So Skillfull

**Kuroshitsuji: A Dirty Mockery**

**By: Mademoiselle Wordsmith**

* * *

In mist covered forest not far from London, there lies a manor. The distinguished noble family of Phantomhive's morning event is…

…waking the young Master.

Ciel laid peacefully in bed and rolled over expecting to see his tall, dark, charismatic, and suave butler at his bedside telling him it was time to get up. Though when he rolled over he saw no one, it was much too bright to possibly be his normal wake up time and he sat up in bed staring around the room. It was quiet... Too quiet…

The boy was a mere eleven years old.

"Twelve," Ciel said loudly correcting the narrator. Sorry, twelve years old and was already the head of his family estate. He had greyish blue hair and eyes of cerulean blue. Slumping against his pillows he tapped his fingers against his arm getting more and more annoyed by the second, and after about ten minutes of sitting there he exhaled angrily, "Damn it what is he doing?"

Ciel climbed out of bed still in his night clothes and headed down the hall passing by the grandfather clock which told him it was already noon. Noon! His pace quickened as he headed down two flights of stairs to Sebastian's bedroom where he slammed open the door. "SEBASTIAN!" he snapped.

His butler was lying on his bed surrounded by no less than forty cats and kittens of varying sizes and colors, some on the bed, some on the floor, one clinging to a downgrade chandelier hanging from the ceiling. In a matter of seconds Sebastian had jumped to his feet stuffed six cats into a large chest, at least seven into a nearby cabinet, he placed three in each of the four drawers of his dresser and the remainder he pushed out the open window. Then he appeared before him wearing his tailcoat and pulling on his gloves.

"Good morning young Master," Sebastian said smiling brightly in his full on butler ensemble now.

Ciel glared at him, "You forgot to wake me up... Again! It's already noon, I should have been up hours ago!"

"My young master you appear to be mistaken," Sebastian said silkily.

"I am not mistaken, and I told you once before to stop it with this damn cat fetish of yours!"

"Young Master you are mistaken my room is completely empty," he said stepping back and showing his room to Ciel.

"I just saw them," Ciel said dully rubbing his eye.

"We shall have to get your eyes checked my Lord," he said smiling as though it were permanently etched on his face.

"Sebastian my allergies are going haywire," he explained taking a handkerchief and holding it to his nose to block out the dander of the cats in his room.

"Hay fever, my Lord," he said offering a quick explanation as to his runny nose and reddening eye. Ciel was allergic to cats so hay fever was a good made up excuse.

"I can hear them," he said pointing out the mewing that was coming from the drawers and cabinets.

"Must be the birds outside, my window is open after all," he said in an assuring tone.

"Birds don't mew," Ciel pointed out.

"Must be a rare species," Sebastian said his smile never wavering.

"…and you missed one," Ciel pointed up to the chandelier, a split second later Sebastian had grabbed the kitten and tossed it out the window before returning to his spot standing before his young Lord. "I shall schedule an eye appointment for you my Lord. Now, it is rather unseemly to run about in your pajamas at this time of day. Come, I shall help you get dressed."

"And whose fault is that!" Ciel snapped as Sebastian led him from the room closing the door behind him.

* * *

Finally dressed and in his study he was eating his rather late breakfast while reading the newspaper which should have been done some time ago. Thanks to his butler's kitten obsession he was behind schedule again.

"You're running late my Lord, did you forget that Sir Clause is arriving at six?" Sebastian said sighing.

"You say that like it's my fault," Ciel snapped interlacing his finger he sat his chin upon them glaring at his butler.

"Well you are the one who didn't get up this morning," Sebastian explained.

"You're the one who didn't wake me up this morning!" Ciel snapped rising to his feet only giving more sign as to the amount of his anger.

"Now now, don't go blaming others for your mistakes," Sebastian said softly checking his pocket watch. "Maybe if you didn't stay up late playing those perverse games you play..."

"Hows that my fault!" snapped even as Sebastian continued speaking.

"…you would not find yourself sleeping in until noon. Honestly, what am I going to do with a Master like you?"

"Just… get to your work then," Ciel snarled seating himself once more.

"As you wish, my Lord," Sebastian said bowing, and he immediately went about his chores. Choosing the matching table wear he gave them to Maylene to polish. He went to the green house and picked out the potted plants that were in full bloom and left them to Finnian to water and to place in strategic places where the guest would view them. Then he gave a slab of beef to bard to cook.

Then he went out and tracked down the cats he had thrown out the window. Not to worry he had made sure to throw them somewhere where they wouldn't be harmed from the fall. After finding them all once more he permitted them to run lose about his room and closed the door checking his pocket watch once more. It was about time to go and correct the other servants mishaps so he headed outside to find the potted plants he had set out dead, and on top of that the entire yard. "Finnian?"

"I'm sorry Sebastian," Finnian said in tears. "The weed killer sprung a leak, it got over everything!"

Bard burst through the doors running out onto the porch area turning to Sebastian frantic. "Sebastian… Kitchen… Fire… Flamethrower." Those were the only words he got out of Bard's rambling. Sebastian sighed and hearing the clunk of Maylene's boots he turned to face her and hear her whining excuse.

"Well?" he said dully.

"The tea set is all polished," she said.

Sebastian blinked staring at her. She stood there staring back at him her hazel eyes wide open, waiting for his response. He placed a hand to his chin continuing to examine her and she felt her face go slightly red. Bard in the back ground turned as a window blew out from the kitchen fire. "Uh, Sebastian. Fire, kitchen! Remember?"

Sebastian continued to stare and at last he said softly, "Maylene, where are your glasses?"

"Uh… I took them off so I could see. My eye sight really is better without them I—"

He held a hand up to silence her. "Now, why don't you put them on and try polishing them again?"

He turned to Bard, "There appears to be a fire in the kitchen, you should be seeing to that."

With that he turned heading back into the house as the servants scrambled to put out the fire. He sighed heading upstairs heading upstairs to the young Master's study. He knocked softly and then entered. "My Lord, is there anything you require before your uncle arrives?"

Ciel was seated behind his desk making a house of cards. Sebastian sighed glaring his direction. "It's nice to see my soul diligently working at completing his revenge and not doing something pointless like making card houses."

"Shut up, I'm having fun," he snapped attempting to line up another card.

"Is there anything you need or would like young Master?" Sebastian asked.

"Cake," he answered without missing a beat.

"You'll spoil your dinner," Sebastian pointed out.

"A glass of wine," he ordered as he stared with scrutiny at the card castle.

"We don't need you tipsy for when your uncle arrives," Sebastian explained. "He'll think you're a drunk."

"A blow job," he demanded.

Sebastian pulled out his pocket watch. "There isn't enough time, you'll be flustered when he arrives if we do, and he'll mistake you for being ill. I shall see to that later."

"Ugh, if you're not going to give me any of the things I ask for why did you bother coming to see if I needed something?" he snapped taking a seat in his plush desk chair looking rather upset.

"To kill time," Sebastian stated bluntly. "Excuse me, I need to fix the mistakes of the three hopeless servants we have downstairs."

With that he left shutting the door just hard enough to knock down Ciel's card castle and he waited to hear the frustrated groan of his Master before heading downstairs. Maylene ran over to him as he arrived at the bottom landing.

"Sir, I'm sorry. I broke the tea set. I… I told you these glasses were—"

"Never mind," Sebastian said sighing. "I shall fix everything. Don't worry about it."

"But Sir, if I could just stop wearing these silly things I could—" she began but he held another hand up to silence her.

"If the Phantomhive servants couldn't mess up this horribly, how would I ever look better in comparison?" he asked smiling.

"So that's your goal…" she said dully.

"That's my goal," he repeated.

"Though not just that," Sebastian said checking his watch once more. "The young Master has requested you wear them as he has a bit of a soft spot for moe and I believe he said that in any anime one must have at least one glasses wearing moe character that is fumbling and clumsy. That would be you in our little story. Please don't upset the young Master by removing your glasses again."

She sighed as Sebastian prepared to fix everything. First step, taking out the spare tea set he had on standby for when Maylene broke hers. He grabbed the meat he had prepared on standby for Bard's predicted mishap. Though Finnian… Sebastian had only expected him to destroy the potted plants he had set out, not the whole yard…

There was only one thing to do…

* * *

The car pulled up outside the manor and Sebastian waited just outside the door. As the door swung open and Clause stepped into the light of the afternoon Sebastian promptly plopped a pair of glass over his eyes so fast he didn't notice he had done it. "Wha!" he gasped seeing the flowers and beautiful garden before him.

Sebastian had diligently painted a garden scene at the bottom of the glasses so it would appear he were standing admits many roses and lilacs. "This is absolutely beautiful!"

He turned his head, "Hhmm… the flowers seem to be moving as I turn my head."

"Hhmm," Sebastian said. "Fancy that."

He suddenly pushed Clause to the door as fast as a demon could an swiftly removed the glasses from his face as soon as he came to be standing just inside the entrance of the Phantomhive manor. "My this house looks as beautiful as ever," he said happily then his face became puzzling. "How did I walk up the steps so fast?"

"Sir Clause, your nephew is here," Sebastian said to distract him, and then he took his coat as Ciel descended the stairs.

"Ah! Ciel it's been so long!" he cheered hugging him tightly. "Haven't grown a bit I see."

"No, I think you're just shrinking old man," Ciel answered him dully.

"Ah, still as witty as ever my dear nephew," he said grinning.

"Shall we commence our meeting in the garden then?" Ciel asked he turned fully intending to lead hid uncle to the garden where Sebastian had planned to have dinner only to have Sebastian suddenly blocking their path and smiling brightly he held out his hand in the direction of the dining room.

"Change of plans, you shall be in the dining room this evening. Please, follow me," Sebastian said leading the way across the main hall to the dining room entrance they walked past the other servants who were lined up in a row in order to greet the guest. They all bowed as he walked past and Ciel came to a stop before Maylene staring at her, and she stared back blinking her hazel eyes clearly visible as she wasn't wearing her, "Glasses."

"Sorry?" Maylene said blinking.

"You're not wearing your glasses. Put them on please," Ciel said before following after his guest to the dining hall.

"God damn it," she whispered pulling them from her pocket and placing them on her face.

* * *

Ciel and Clause began discussing their business and Sebastian wheeled in the tea for dinner pouring Clause's drink for him. He couldn't help but notice Ciel's bored expression and how he gazed in his direction listlessly. Sebastian smiled; he would just have to liven up his young master so he wouldn't bore their guests. He wheeled the tray down to Ciel and placed a teacup before him and began to pour him a cup. As he did so he leaned down close to Ciel's ear.

"My Lord, please keep your impure thoughts for the night when I can actually do something about them," Sebastian whispered softly.

"I am not having impure thoughts!" Ciel snapped (though quietly). Blood rushed to his face and Sebastian could almost feel the heat radiating off Ciel's skin.

"Bet you are now," Sebastian said softly and sure enough impure thoughts came creeping into his mind's eye. Thoughts of his gallant butler over top his naked and sweaty form, his knees nestled in the bed between Ciel's open legs preventing him from closing them in shame, his gloved hands pinning Ciel's wrists above his head as he…

Ciel made swift swatting motions at the air to get the perverted thoughts to fly away. Clause looked up from his drink. "Ciel is something wrong?"

"No," Ciel piped up nervously.

Suddenly Sebastian clapped his hands loudly in the air. "Young Master," he said smiling. "I have caught the bee you were swatting at. I shall dispose of it swiftly and then bring the meal for this evening."

Ciel's face still lit in a rather beautiful red hue glanced away, "Make sure you change your gloves before doing so," he snapped.

"Of course my Lord," he said and he swiftly left the room.

Swiftly dinner was served and the meal's wine was to be poured by Maylene (properly wearing her glasses). She stood waiting for her part nervously as she could barely see through the large nearly plate sized spectacles. "And now I hope you enjoy tonight's champagne."

Sebastian motioned for Maylene to move and nervously she pushed the tray forward grabbing the wine bottle from the ice bucket. Everything was so fuzzy. She could barely see the glass. Doing her best she tilted the wine bottle preparing to pour it into the cup only… Ciel glanced up watching the wine splatter on to the table cloth and his eyes widened. Sebastian noticed it too.

It was time to be EPIC! It was time to pull off yet another amazing feat by Sebastian Michaelis! It was time to pull this table cloth off the table leaving all the dishes upon it intact and standing. Yes, he would do just that! He grasped the edge of the table cloth and tugged.

Sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeer!

The sound of tearing cloth met their ears and they looked down to find nails in the corners of the table.

Finnian and Bard who were peeking through the cracked door panicky, they looked up at each other. Remembering just moments before the meal started:

_~Finny walked by the table his foot catching on the edge of the table cloth and he fell the table cloth slowly cascading to the floor on top of his foot. He turned. "That won't do. What if this happens when our guest is here?"_

"_We'll just have to make sure it doesn't!" Bard cheered happily._

_The next second the two had replaced the table cloth on the table and nailed it down at each of the corners. "The young Master's going to be so proud of us for thinking ahead!" Bard cheered.~_

"The young Master's going to be so pissed at us for thinking ahead!" Bard whined as the scene unfolded.

Ciel's hand clapped over his face as he couldn't believe the sheer stupidity. His servants were really quite useless. While Clause was busy talking about a painting on the wall, Sebastian hurried appearing at the other end of the table and ripping the cloth clean from the nails and since they were already ripped at the other side he was able to pull it off without upsetting the tea set and he wrapped the cloth around his arm before appearing at Clause's other side.

"Do you need anything else Sir Clause?" he asked smiling.

"Oh no I'm fine Se—" he turned back to look at Ciel but noticed the tablecloth missing. "What happened to the—"

"It was removed," Ciel said. "Don't concern yourself."

"Why are their nails in the corner of the table?" he asked poking at one. Ciel sighed leaning back in his chair groaning.

* * *

Skillfully skating around the explanation of the nails in the table they continued to discuss their "games," eventually leading to the topic of the night's dessert. Clause continuing to be a bundle of smiles laughs questioned on what the dessert would be for the evening.

"Not certain, but knowing Sebastian it will be delicious," Ciel said smiling.

Sebastian brought out an Apricot and green tea mille feuille. He brought it out to the guest and handed a plate to the Sir Clause before wheeling the tray down he sat the other before Ciel and leaning in close he whispered to him, "I made this special for you young Master, so please consume it slowly…"

Ciel blinked, he knew full well what being made "special," meant. Smiling he picked up his fork. "Thank you Sebastian."

Sebastian turned to leave the two at peace. He wasn't exactly certain as to the reason why Ciel enjoyed having him drug him occasionally. Perhaps it was because it removed the responsibility of what occurred after from Ciel's shoulders. The aphrodisiac he had placed in Ciel's dessert had not been a lot but it would provide some entertainment for the carriage ride into town when they go to pick up the young Master's cane...

* * *

**Alright, so this is a dirty parody of the Kuroshitsuji series. Meant to be a light and fluffy story in contrast to my other story which requires serious thought and planning.**


	2. That Butler, he's Full of Purpose

**Ch.2**

* * *

Ciel dully waved goodbye to Sir Clause as he drove away, as soon as he was out of sight Sebastian turned to his young Master. "Shall we go get your cane my Lord?" he asked smiling softly.

"Yes, let's go—" he paused as Sebastian's hand reached to his face and the back of his gloved fingers rested against his cheek. Being a demon he did not need to remove his gloves to feel temperature. "My, your temperature is completely normal."

This was odd, his body heat should have been rising, and his face should have been getting flushed. "Maybe you didn't put enough in it?"

"No I'm sure I did," he said looking concerned.

The servants came running out to them intending to wish them a farewell; it was indeed time to leave.

"Oh well, it'll probably take full effect by the time we head out," Ciel whispered so the servants couldn't hear and then added in a much louder tone. "We'll take the Bugatti shall we?"

Turning around he removed the garage door opener from his pocket hitting the button. Two large double doors at the side of the manor swung open revealing…

"Ah, the Bugatti Veyron, top speed of 431 km/h," Sebastian said smiling softly. "The transmission is a dual-clutch direct-shift gearbox computer-controlled automatic with seven gear ratios, with magnesium paddles behind the steering wheel and a shift time of less than 150 milliseconds..."

"Amazing Sebastian!" Bard cheered.

"You know everything!" Finnian clapped.

"How do you do it?" Maylene cheered.

"…according to wiki that is," Sebastian said finishing his sentence. They glanced noticing he was holding a smartphone. The stares he received were unwavering, "Well I have to site my sources don't I?"

With that he walked up to the young Master who staring at the car with a softened expression. He leaned down to him, "My, if only you would look at Lady Elizabeth with such a stare, she might fall weak in the knees."

"Shut up!" Ciel snapped. "Let's go, I'm driving."

Sebastian grabbed the back of his collar pulling him back. "My Lord, you don't have a license to drive, and more importantly it is the year 1887, this car had not been invented yet."

"I make toys like PlayStation games as well as DS handheld video games so why the hell am I not allowed to have a Bugatti?" Ciel glared and the expression Sebastian cast him was answer enough. "Well, tsk. Your smart phone hasn't been invented yet either!"

"Yes, but I am a demon so naturally the laws of time don't apply to me," he explained smiling.

Ciel turned to him glaring daggers into him, "I didn't see that on wiki."

"My, young master you appear to be mistaken," he said smiling. "Now, then. Shall we take the carriage?"

"…"

"C'mon don't be difficult," Sebastian said smiling as Tanaka brought the carriage around. Groaning he closed the doors via the garage door opener and it closed loudly with the aching cry of metal scraping it was almost as if his car were pleading, _don't leave me_!

"I'll be back baby," Ciel whispered disheartened.

"Did you say something Bocchan?" Sebastian asked.

Ciel turned to find Sebastian holding the door open his phone in his hand, he was typing away with a vigor and Ciel glared at him. "What are you doing?"

"Updating Facebook," he explained.

"Wh… What?" Ciel snapped. "Put that away and—"

"But, my Lord… The fangirls will be angry," Sebastian explained.

Ciell glared, "Fuck the fangirls, and take me into town already!"

"Young Master!" Maylene gasped rushing up to him. "You don't want to upset Fangirls! It's never a good thing!"

"She's right!" Bard said nodding. "Fangirls are really the most dangerous creatures in the world. They'll kill you for an article of clothin', torture you for a picture with your shirt off. Finny will tell you, right Finny!"

Bard turned. Finny was kneeling in the bushes shaking with tears just clinging to the corner of his eyes. "The fangirls… they… they…"

"Tsk, I'm not scared of any fangirl, I'm not scared of anything!" Ciel spat. Then he remembered that little something he was afraid of, and he shivered. Lizzy…

Shaking his head he turned to his servant, "Sebastian we're leaving!"

"As you wish my Lord," Sebastian said bowing and helping him into the carriage. It headed off to town leaving the three servants watching them leave in utter shock and aw.

"Our Master is a brave man, yes he is," Maylene said nodding and Finnian and Bard agreed in unison.

* * *

"I'm telling you, you didn't put enough in," Ciel snapped his little legs crossed as he sat across from his servant in the carriage. He looked rather annoyed.

"I'm sure I did my Lord," Sebastian explained. It wasn't like him to make a mistake, but he supposed _anything_ was possible.

"I've been thinking, we may want to do some renovations to the manor," Ciel said.

"What sort?" Sebastian asked fully prepared to take mental notes on Ciel's requests.

"Well, I'm thinking a pool would be nice, perhaps putting in some more marble flooring on the first floor. I don't like the color of that dreary carpeting in the dining room."

"As you wish my Lord," Sebastian said nodding.

"What was the weather report for the evening?" Ciel asked as he stared out the window in a huff. Sebastian explained that for summer's day today was to be uncharacteristically cool. Ciel sighed in spite of himself, "Perhaps the manor needs some kind of air-conditioning, Sir Clause was complaining of being overly warm upon the meal's conclu—"

They both froze and Ciel glared at him. "Sebastian! You didn't?"

"Of course not my Lord," Sebastian explained and then he began to think back. Let's see, he had made sure the dessert on the left side of the plate had the aphrodisiac in it. Bard and Finny came in to beg for a piece and Finny had picked up the tray and when Sebastian yelled at him he put it on the wheeling cart and… He must have put it on the wrong way so the left side of the platter carrying both plates was then on the right…

"I'm sure it's fine my Lord," Sebastian said offering a reassuring smiling.

"You drugged my uncle! If he finds out I—" Ciel began and Sebastian took his gloved hand in his own.

"It will be fine my Lord he won't find out, there wasn't much in it and it was meant to just last the carriage ride," Sebastian explained.

"Shit!" Ciel cursed. What was his uncle going to say if he called him that afternoon claiming Ciel drugged him?

* * *

It had taken quite a bit to calm Ciel, but by the time they arrived at the cane shop he was upset but at least no longer yelling. They walked in and the shopkeeper greeted him with a greeting that seemed to trample on Ciel's already irate nerves.

"Welcome boy, on an errand for your Father?"

Ciel's eyes narrowed and had he had the power to melt a man's brains with a glare this man would be a puddle on the floor by now, so as to not see his young Master lose it entirely Sebastian held out his hand. "Excuse me. We came to get Master's cane."

"Ah, so you're the owner of the cane," the man said as he examined the order form. "Exactly what sort of person do you intend to have use this cane? Perhaps a man who lost his legs in a war and wheels along by sitting on a wheeled seat? Or perhaps maybe a midget? They're only about a quarter of the size of regular people I hear..."

Ciel's glower hand grown deeper and deeper with every word, the man seemingly jabbing at his shortness at every turn, and the young master hated being referred to as short. Sebastian who was eyeing Ciel from the corner of his eye could see the background behind him growing darker and darker. _Yeah_, Sebastian thought. _You've insulted my master enough_…

It was time to be EPIC! It was time to pull off yet another amazing feat by Sebastian Michaelis! It was time to shove this cane a mere centimeter form the man's face sending him into fearful shock in order to teach him just who was boss! In this case that would be his young master. Yes, that's exactly what he would do.

Using his cherished demonic speed he thrust the cane into the man's face hitting him square in the nose sending him flying into the back wall where the wall cracked and he laid… unconscious…

Sebastian blinked and Ciel's eyes widened. "What did you do."

"My, this cane is longer than the one we ordered… huh…"

"You're takin' shots at my height aren't you?" Ciel glared.

"Never my Lord," Sebastian said though the cane was longer than what they had ordered. Had it been the right size he wouldn't have hit him. Obviously someone at the shop had thought there had clearly been a mistake in the length of the cane for they had lengthened it, and he could only assume on purpose because this was a reputable shop and they weren't likely to make a mistake. Sadly, even though it was longer than what they ordered, it was still short for the average cane.

"Sebastian, he's bleeding…" Ciel said after walking over and staring down at the unconscious shopkeeper.

"Hhmm, fancy that…" Sebastian said sighing. "I suggest we get out of here quickly then young Master."

"I'll be in the carriage," Ciel said hurrying away.

"And I'll leave the money," Sebastian said smiling…

* * *

After such an eventful day of failing to awaken the young master on time, drugging Ciel's uncle, and knocking a shopkeeper unconscious, both Ciel and Sebastian were looking forward to carrying out the menial tasks of the afternoon and then heading off for some rest, relaxation, and meaningless sex. Sebastian opened the door for his tired and weary young Lord, "I shall prepare you some 'special' tea immediately my—"

He paused noticing the young Master's shocked and terrified expression. He didn't want to look, but look he did… The entrance hall to the young Lord's pristine Manor had been changed. It had been… altered. Transformed into something… morbid…

Shrunken heads were hanging from the railings. Patches of… was that pigs blood… Uh, yes. Patches of pigs blood were strewn across the floor. The beautiful chandelier that had beautiful crystal gems that sparkled now had animal bones clinking and clanking against one another, cobwebs that had not been present upon their departure now seemed to fill every nook n' cranny of the entrance way.

"Sa… Sa… Sa…bastain," Ciel said nervously.

"My word," Sebastian began as Maylene, Finny and Bard rushed to Sebastian in hysterics. The servants looked to fit the part as if they had all stepped out of a Halloween horror movie. Sighing Sebastian turned to them.

"What has happened to you three?" he asked.

"Go ask that crazy girl!" Bard snapped yelling furiously as he pointed towards a door leading to a nearby common area.

Sebastian and Ciel walked over peeking in; it was too dark to see anything. Looking rather frightened Ciel took a step back and Sebastian placed a hand on his shoulder. "Be brave my Lord, I am here."

_Shit shit shit_, Ciel cursed over and over and she opened the door up completely.

"Ciel my husband!" called a girl that ran forward. She wore a dark grey, black and dusty colored gown. Her eyes lined with too much eyeliner which was black as well. Her fingernails painted the same way. The only bit of color on her whole person was her green eyes and sun kissed yellow hair. She rushed hugging him tightly.

"E… Elizabeth," Ciel gasped attempting to breathe through her vice-like clutches.

"Oh my dear husband, hadn't I told you? Call me Lucia, that's my _Gothic_ name!"

"Froth Tic?"

"GOTHIC!" she snapped.

"Got it…"

Ciel groaned as Sebastian caught her attention, "Miss Elizabeth…"

"A wonderfully decrepit evening to you, Mister Sebastian," she said with a drearily gloomy tone. "I have a souvenir for you."

The next second later she had placed a Phantom of the Opera type mask upon his face which only covered half of it.

"You see, aren't you just the eeriest thing?" she said smiling up at him.

Sebastian smiled softly, "To prepare something like this for a lowly servant such as myself, I am truly honored my Lady!"

Ciel coughed, "Eliza… Ugh, Lucia. Did… Did Grandmother come with you?"

"But why should I have informed her? Love is merely a madness, and, I tell you, deserves as well a dark house and a whip as madmen do."

"Wa.. Was that Shakespeare?" Ciel asked and then realizing more still he added. "And that didn't answer my question!"

"Can there be a love which does not make demands on its object?" she sighed.

"Now Confucius huh? Oh good grief," Ciel sighed as the servants rushed over to a half-masked Sebastian.

"Who is this Erratic Emo!" Bard snapped.

"Be civil Bard, this is the young Lord's fiancé," Sebastian informed him, and the servants gasped in shock as this was the first time they had met her.

Ciel turned to his butler, "Contact Grandmother and inform her that Elizabeth is here."

Suddenly Elizabeth grabbed his arm dragging him out to main entranceway where the creepiest of creepy things were placed. "It took a lot of work making this room look so splendidly horrific, why don't we do something fun tonight?"

"I would rather not hold a dance," Ciel said sighing.

"Nonsense!" Elizabeth snapped. "We shall hold… a séance."

"Lucia, the manga clearly states we hold a dance," Ciel explained holding up Kuroshitsuji Volume One. Furiously she grabbed the book and held it over a lit candelabra until it disintegrated. Ciel sighed turning to his butler.

"Sebastian, order me another copy," Ciel demanded.

"Of course Sir," Sebastian said taking note.

"As I said before, we shall hold a séance," she said.

"Sebastian, what's a séance?" Ciel asked glancing sideways at him.

"Googling it now Sir," Sebastian said his fingers clicking away on his phone.

"You don't know?" he snapped.

"Of course I do bocchan," Sebastian said clicking away.

"You're on facebook aren't you?" Ciel really looked upset now, his cobalt eyes narrowed dangerously low, and Sebastian sighed.

"I must answer the posts from the fangirls my Lord, they'll become hostile if I don't answer their posts," he explained and Ciel sighed.

"I have prepared proper attire for you Ciel and it is waiting upstairs in the guest room," Elizabeth explained. "Do go put it on, this will be the best séance EVER!"

She spun around before heading off into the next room. Ciel turned to his butler and with all seriousness asked, "Have you looked up what it is yet?"

"Yes my Lord," Sebastian said. "It is a fervent breed of human female who is compulsorily infatuated with a fictional or living character or character genre. They have been known to glomp, fondle, and attack their obsessions. If captured by one, the obsessed person or persons may be forced into roleplay scenes or even made to reenact fanfictions for the pleasure of the fangirl. If captured there is little escape, it is best to comply with their demands and pray… Pray, you get out of it alive and untraumatized. For more information search the less popular but no less dangerous, fanboy."

"Not the fangirls!" Ciel snapped. "You were supposed to look up about the séance!"

"Why?" he asked and with a smirk added. "I know what that is..."

* * *

"Make her leave!" Ciel snapped.

"Bocchan," Sebastian sighed as he brought tea to his young Master. "She is your fiancé, you can't turn her out in the freezing cold."

"You said so yourself, it's not that cold today!" Ciel snapped folding his arms looking upset. Sebastian shook his head slowly as he poured the tea. It went plop plop plop as it filled the little teacup nearly to the brim.

"It really can't be helped my Lord," Sebastian said. "The best course of action would be to play along with her little games."

"But… she's so… cheerfully dark. It's creepy."

"Please do not let the young Lady hear you calling her creepy," Sebastian said rising he replaced the teapot on the wheeled tray and turned to face the young Master. "Well, I shall fetch the outfit Lady Elizabeth has picked out for you then."

"I'm not wearing it," Ciel snapped.

"My, young master you appear to be mistaken," Sebastian said smiling.

"Why do you always say that when you avoid fulfilling one of my orders or avoid lying to me?" Ciel asked leaning back in his chair. Ciel hadn't expected an answer and Sebastian didn't give him one.

* * *

"Are you all ready?" she asked Maylene, Bard and Finnian who were all dressed in their Halloween type outfits.

They had moved a small table into the main area of the manor and there Elizabeth sat, a crystal ball had been placed in the center of the table and they all sat around it. Elizabeth waved her hands around the orb chanting some nonsense as they waited for…

"Ciel!" Elizabeth grinned upon seeing him. He stood at the top of the stairs wearing an ensemble that was entirely black except for the white shirt he wore. The outfit was embellished with various skulls and bones and a few claws, whether they were real or not Ciel didn't know and he didn't want to ask. A black cobweb looking veil fell from his hat covering the eye patch he was still wearing.

"You're absolutely moldering," she said smiling, that was apparently her idea of a complement. Ciel looked to find Elizabeth had changed into a set of simple black robes tied with a small chain and skull gemmed belt.

"Ugh, thanks… You look…" he paused a moment wondering what words would upset her or not because part of him was inclined to saw something for either category. "Dark…"

"Thank you," she said smiling. "Let us…"

She paused as she had reached out to take his hand only to find Ciel wasn't wearing the ring she had picked out. "Ciel where is the ring that goes with that outfit?"

"Huh?"

"The bloody thorn ring that had a chain linking the blood covered thorns with the bracelet? Where is it?" she snapped.

"My ring is fine Elizabeth," Ciel said.

"No it isn't! It doesn't match the scenery at all!" she snapped. "I'll take that!"

With that she grabbed the ring. "Ha!" she cheered. "This ring is much too bright for a séance."

"Lizzy give it back!" Ciel snapped holding out his hand.

"Uh…" she blinked. "I told you! I am Lucia!"

"The ring Elizabeth!" Ciel barked louder this time. "Now!"

"Ciel… You'll upset the spirits," Elizabeth said becoming teary eyed.

He did not bother responding to her now, but merely glared. His hand outstretched waiting for the ring. Her eyes became even more tear filled. "I don't understand why you want to ruin my séance with all this yelling, I hate this ring! It deserved to shatter into a thousand pieces like my unrepairable soul!"

She threw the ring to the ground and it shattered.

Ciel's single cerulean eye widened in anger and shock and he raised his hand to backhand Elizabeth only Sebastian reached out catching his wrist before his hand struck her. "Now now, abusive husbands are frowned upon in society."

He turned to Elizabeth, "I apologize Miss Elizabeth. That ring was incredibly important to the young Master. It had been passed down through countless generations, an heirloom you might say."

"Wha…" she blinked.

"And you destroyed it," he said solemnly. "Like a little bug."

Her eyes began brimming with tears at Sebastian's words and she fell to her knees her black hood falling forward to hide her face as she wept over hurting her precious future husband. Ciel picked up the broken ring from the floor staring down at it. The next second he tossed it out the window.

"Ciel what are you!" Elizabeth gasped as he turned to her.

"I don't care about that thing. It's just an old ring," Ciel snapped. He walked over to her and pulled down her hood so he could see her better in the dimmed light.

"Ciel, can… can you ever forgive me?" she sobbed.

Softly he smiled, "Unforgiveness is the poison you drink everyday hoping that the other person will die."** ****

He reached into his pocket and held a handkerchief out to her nose letting her blow into it. "Poison makes my stomach churn and I greatly hate vomiting. So my Lady, shall we call some spirits of the dead then?"

He held his hand out to her and she took it… smiling.

* * *

Needless to say they wasted about four hours sitting around the glass ball listening to Elizabeth try to bring spirits to them and all attempts were thwarted. When it was evident no spirits would show up today she shuffled off to bed and Sebastian brought Ciel to his room.

"I must say I am very proud of you bocchan, I think you might have grown up a bit today."

"What do you mean?" Ciel asked as Sebastian dressed him for bed.

"To toss that ring aside as you did. I was beginning to think that old ring was your security blanket," Sebastian said smiling. He leaned down brushing aside a few strands of hair from his eyes, with a tug on one string the eye patch fell away from Ciel's face. He leaned his lips close to the young Master's cheek intending to kiss it and work his way down until it inevitably resulted in the clothing (he had just put on him) being removed so as to keep open access to his ivory skin. They were just barely scraping the surface of foreplay as Sebastian finished his words, "I am happy to see that—"

"Sebastian," Ciel interrupted before his lips could even scrape the pearl like surface of his Lord's shell. He pulled back slightly so his lips lined up with the young Master's ear.

"Yes, my Lord?"

"You repair and find that damn ring or I'll hang all those cats in your room as well as forbid you from touching me ever again."

Four minutes later Sebastian was outside shuffling through the field waiting for any hint of the blue ring Ciel had thrown. His young Master really was quite a brat…

* * *

**Thank you to everyone who reviewed, faved, and alerted this story I hope you continue to read and enjoy.  
**

****** A quote by Debbie Ford.


	3. That Butler, the Strongest

**Ch.3**

* * *

Mew. Mew. Meow. Mew. Squeak. Meow. Mew. Meow. Mew. Squeak. Meow. Meow. Mew. Meow. Mew. Squeak. Meow. Mew. Squeak. Meow. Mew. Meow. Mew. Squeak. Meow. Mew. Squeak.

The sound was like music to Sebastian's ears. Due to the wonderfully unfortunate event of the house being overrun with a rat infestation, Ciel permitted Sebastian to let his precious kitty pets run free throughout the house in order to catch them all on the condition that he remove any and all hairs left over by them before that night. Sebastian was quite pleased being able to walk in almost any room and have a kitten or cat present. He did however make sure they stayed out of the young Lord's bedchamber. His status update that morning:

* * *

Sebastian Michaelis

2 seconds ago

Master made my day. Kittens running free. :D

* * *

Currently Count Phantomhive was entertaining in his game room. The evening's final game… Snapdragon.

The fiery bowl of brandy sat on a table. Lau stood close to it his hand hovering and he dove in quick grabbing one of the raisins in the bowl but the fire proved too hot and he dropped it before he could put it in his mouth. "My, this is quite tricky," he said smiling before backing away.

The game was simple a bowl of brandy with a few raisins at the bottom. Step two, light on fire. Step three try to grab a raisin and place it in your mouth while still on fire. Simple even an extremely furry kitten could play, and Ciel was quite tempted to get one or two to participate if only to see Sebastian's face when the cats go darting past him enflamed.

He could hear Sebastian now, "MASTER! THE KITTENS ARE SCREECHING IN PAIN!"

"Duh, that's because I lit 'em fire," he would snap.

Bowl, acquired from a French porcelain shop at the price of 15 shillings.

Brandy, purchased from a winery on the outskirts of France. 18 shillings.

Sebastian's face… Priceless…

Ciel smiled at the thought as Lord Randall stepped up removing his glove he stared down into the bowl. He attempted to lunge his hand in but removed it before he had even grabbed one. "This game is ridiculous!" he snapped as he rubbed his overly warm fingers.

"Count Phantomhive, it's your turn again, are you going to pass once more?" asked Azzurro Vener his black hair pulled back in a ponytail, he wore a nice suit and had a scar across his face.

"I'll pass," Ciel said. "This games far too easy. I would hate to end it before you've all had a significant chance to try."

"Never the less, Lord Phantomhive you have the—" Lord Randall began.

"The drugs?" Ciel interrupted. "Oh yes, I have secured it for you. I'll turn it over tomorrow, and I'll expect compensation for it then. So you can expect it tomorrow. I just hope no one tries to take it from me. You know, before tomorrow, when it will be in the Yard's hands and considerably harder to acquire. Yup, any time before tomorrow would be a good chance to take it, should someone want it. Though I have hidden it securely, if someone were to try and search for it themselves they would never get it. Perhaps the only way would be if I told them myself. That is, before tomorrow."

"My Earl, it sounds as though you're trying to bait one of us into taking it from you," Lau said smiling walking up as his turn came once again. He was able to get the raisin out but could not get it in his mouth before the flame went out.

"Not at all," Ciel said as Lord Randall scoffed. It was his turn now and he officially declared the game stupid and childish before sitting out.

"You'll have to take a forfeit then," Ciel said. "That means through all our games everyone here has at least one forfeit against them."

"You still have to win this game or you take a forfeit as well Lord," Azzurro said smirking.

Ciel got to his feet walking up to the bowl. He pushed up his sleeve so as to not accidently catch it on fire. "Please step back Vener," he said softly.

"Worried you'll catch me on fire?" he asked smiling. "Children really are terribly soft."

"That's not it," Ciel said. "You just have a very kidnappy vibe to you and it makes me uncomfortable having you so close to me."

Vener looked upset as Lau threw his arms out smiling, "My Lord, you shouldn't foreshadow, it confuses the readers."

Ignoring him he looked down into the bowl and quickly grabbed a raisin throwing it into his mouth he opened it showing he had caught the raisin (still lit) in his teeth. He then doused it with his tongue and swallowed it. "Best raisin I ever had," he said softly.

Then folding he arms he smiled, "Cry the forfeits."

Cry the forfeits meant everyone whom had lost a game throughout the course of the evening now had to take their punishments. Five minutes later all his guest were standing on chairs in the awkward and most embarrassing positions Ciel had put them in. It was customary that upon losing a game one of the many possible punishments was to stand on a chair and remain for ten minutes in the awkward positions the winner placed you in, and since Ciel was the winner of every game that afternoon, it was his choice. He stood back to admire his work before walking over to a small hourglass which he flipped over. "You can all move when this timer runs out, I'll be back before it does and I don't want to see any of you out of place…"

With that he left the room grinning to himself. What they didn't realize was that that was a special timer that had an equal amount of sand falling at the same time it was rising. So it never ran out. Sebastian had made it, and used it to trick Ciel into working longer on his homework because Sebastian would tell him he could stop studying when the timer ran out.

It hadn't taken long to realize it was a hoax timer and he made Sebastian get a real one, but he kept it for occasions like this.

Once out in the hall he covered his face with a handkerchief so as to not breathe in the cat hair of the kittens that seemed to be everywhere. He looked up spotting his servant with the other idiot servants discussing something that probably constituted as filler so it wasn't important.

"Sebastian," he said. "Are the drugs securely hidden?"

"In my breast pocket my Lord," he said smiling tapping his chest softly.

"Good, don't lose it."

"I won't my Lord," he said. "Now, perhaps you should adjourn to your study. Alone. Entirely. I will come in about twenty minutes when your tea and dessert are ready, so do expect me in exactly twenty minutes. Not a moment sooner. Oh, and please leave your door unlocked so that I have nothing delaying me even a second longer than necessary as I deliver your dessert to you in precisely twenty minutes."

Ciel nodded and glanced at the three other servants before turning to Sebastian. "See to Maylene would you." With that he was down the hall and gone.

Bard blinked. "That… that was oddly specific."

"Was it?" Sebastian asked. "Hhhmm, fancy that. Now…"

He turned to Maylene who stood in her usual uniform but without the essential component, and Sebastian sighed. "Maylene, please put on your glasses."

With that Sebastian headed to the kitchen to prepare the food.

* * *

Ciel walked into his study sighing. The day had barely begun and he was already tired. Fully intending to take a nap at his desk he started toward it when suddenly two and arm wrapped around his shoulders another held a cloth to his mouth.

"We got him!" said the man holding Ciel.

"Let's hurry and get him to the hideout like the boss said," a second man explained.

"Um… He's not falling asleep…"

"Didn't you put chloroform on the cloth?" the other asked looking slightly panicked.

"I thought you did that!" the other snapped.

Feeling rather annoyed Ciel moved the man's hand away from his mouth, "You know, chloroform has toxicity that can result in what has been called "sudden sniffer's death," and with my asthma it could kill me. Seeing as you're merely trying to put me to sleep then I can presume of course that you want me alive."

"Shut up kid!" Snapped the man holding him as he turned to his partner.

"What do we do now?"

"Do you have something else we could use?"

"Do we have any Rohypnol?"

"Oh Lord, you guys are idiots," Ciel sighed. "Forget this I'm calling my butler."

He attempted to reach up to remove his eye patch when he was suddenly hit over the head with the handle of a gun. He fell unconscious to the ground. "That works," the kidnappers chimed in unison before they picked him up and climbed out the window with him.

* * *

Sebastian showed up precisely on time and opened the door to the young Master's study. He knocked softly before opening it. "Young Master?"

The window was wide open and the young master was nowhere to be seen. Sebastian placed his hand to his chin, "So they took my uke after all. The young Master had been right."

He looked around. Ciel had said he would leave some sort of message as to where they were taking him, but he apparently hadn't had time for there was nothing. Sighing he headed out into the hall where a few of his precious kittens ran pass chasing after a mouse. He smiled after them. Their little paws bounding, their fluffy tails bobbing as they went. The soft mews playing at his ears, oh they were so precious. He was just about to see if they wanted to eat some of the young Master's dessert when suddenly Maylene came running up to him (wearing her glasses).

"Mr. Sebastian!" she called. "There is a letter. It just arrived."

"Who is it addressed to?" Sebastian asked turning to her.

"Um… it just says," she looked down at the letter. "Ha ha ha. We took your Master. Wha! That means Ciel's been kidnapped! What do we do Sebastian?"

"Put out an Amber alert," he said dully taking the letter from her and glancing down at it.

"They haven't invented that yet," she said sighing.

"Then we should inform Scotland Yard," Sebastian explained.

"Sebastian," Maylene said sighing. "You have to go after him."

"The Master will just make me lock away my cats again…" he sighed.

"Sebastian…"

"Fine," he sighed tucking the note away in his pocket he turned to leave only to have Maylene suddenly shout.

"Look out Sebastian!" she dogpiled him and he fell back onto the ground. Laying on top of him she blushed slightly clinging to his shirt. Sebastian sat up, with Maylene seated on his lap her face a bright red.

"What did you do that for?" he asked.

"There… there was supposed to be a bullet flying…" she said glancing towards the window. "Huh, I wonder where it…"

Finny and Bard came running, "We heard a gunshot!"

Maylene and Sebastian stood up. "Unfortunately no, the gun shot didn't happen."

"But I thought…" Maylene flipped through her copy of the manga wondering to when the bullet was supposed to shoot through the window.

Sebastian handed the dessert he held to Bard. "If you'll excuse me, I must retrieve my uke. Clean this up for me would you?"

Bard looked down at the dessert. "Hhmm… I have to clean this huh? So… that' means I can eat it right!"

He looked up, but Sebastian was already gone. He sighed. A loud bang and the crashing of glass and the bullet they had been expecting entered the hall going right through his cake sending bits of it everywhere.

"So that's where it was… hmm," Maylene said looking out the now broken window. "Our timing was off.

"Yup," Bard said. "On the upside we get to eat the frosting off the floor, everyone to your spoons!"

The three rushed to get spoons from the kitchen and return to the pile of ruined dessert that had been blown in many directions only to find it was all cleaned up and quite a few of Sebastian's content looking cats were lazing about in the hall, bits of the dessert on their faces.

"They ate it…" Maylene sighed.

"They sure did," Bard nodded.

* * *

Ciel's head hurt from where he had been hit. He tried to reach up to grab his throbbing head only to find his arms were chained with leather bonds as were his ankles and his captors had tied belts around his torso. As if the wrist and ankle restraints weren't enough. He ached all over. He had apparently been handled none too delicately in his unconscious state. Ciel tasted blood in his mouth and he spat it out onto the floor. He appeared to be in a basement of some sort. The floor was stone and cold, and there was a small window that wouldn't have event let one of Sebastian's kitties fit through. Then the sound of a squeaking wheel could be heard. Ciel looked up to find an odd puppet riding out towards him on a tricycle. It had an entirely white mask and red cheeks in a swirly red shape. It wore a little suit with a red bowtie. Slowly it turned its head towards him and Ciel raised an eyebrow staring at the strange puppet as it's jaw moved.

"Hello Ciel," it said as the doors at the top of the nearby stairway opened. "You don't know me, but I know you. I want to play a game—"

The man who came down kicked the thing to the shadows. "Sorry," he said. "That thing has been showin' up in the weirdest places. Creeps me right the fuck out, anyway, the boss will see you now."

He picked Ciel up throwing him over his shoulder and despite Ciel's cursing carried him upstairs to a plush office where he plopped him down against the wall before stepping back. The chair behind the desk turned to him revealing Azzurro Vener.

"Good afternoon Ciel, it is I who kidnapped you!"

"Called it," Ciel said bluntly. "I knew you had a kidnappy vibe."

"Well, you wouldn't be in this predicament if you hadn't made it so obvious that you had acquired some drugs recently," he said.

"That was on purpose."

"What?"

"I knew that the one behind the drug trade here in England was one of the many people I invited to my little party, I made it obvious so you would attempt to attack me thus finding out who you were."

"Nevertheless," he said. "You are in my power right now. Ever since I came here to deal my drugs, thanks to the successful glares of the watchdogs I haven't been able to catch a single relaxing scent. Funny when I say that I imply that there is more than one watchdog, but it's just you isn't it?"

"Not tellin'," Ciel glared. "Either way, the Queen has ordered that I not let dealers do as they please with their drugs."

"Have you ever tried them little Phantomhive?"

"Tried what?" he snapped.

"Drugs boy. Drugs!" he said smiling. "If you tried them I think you would like them."

"If it's not an aphrodisiac I'm not interested," Ciel smirked.

"Ah, my so that's the kind of game the young Lord plays. With whom do you unleash all your sexual perversions then?"

Ciel remained silent at that.

"Perhaps that pretty moe maid I saw when I visited your mansion?" he asked smiling.

"No, she's just cute klutzy eye candy for the manor," he explained smiling blood trickling down the corner of his mouth which he licked away. "But that's not all she's good for."

"I see, I see…" he said smiling. "Oh, does she do tricks as well?"

"Yes, Maylene does many tricks," he said grinning. "All my servants do many tricks."

"Enough chit chat boy," Vener said aiming his gun at him. "I want to know where the drugs are! Now!"

"Huh," he grinned. "I don't intend to cooperate with rats."

The rat comment angered him somewhat and Vener kicked him across the face and at the same time a scream erupted from outside. Vener turned, "What was that? You men, go check it out!"

The men in the room took off leaving only Vener and Ciel in the room. Ciel who was now lying on the floor grinned. He spat some more blood form his mouth and looked up at Vener.

"I believe that would be the object of my sexual perversions, as you so delicately put it," he said grinning.

* * *

**He he, hope you're all enjoying. :D More to come soon. I'm enjoying your comments. They're motivating!**


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